If you have been trying to have kids without success, don’t give up and don’t lose hope. We control nothing in this world and everything has been given to us to live a perfectly suitable life. Just accept the fact that Allah gives us everything we need at the time we need them.

Saturday, Ramadan 6, 1440 AH (May 11, 2019)

In the Name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful

All praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. Peace and blessing be upon whom Allah sent as a mercy to the Worlds, upon his Family, his Companions and his Brothers till the Day of Resurrection.

Respected brothers and sisters! Allah the Almighty says:

“To Allah belongs the kingdom of the heavens and the earth. He creates what He wills. He bestows female (offspring) upon whom He wills, and bestows male (offspring) upon whom He wills. Or He bestows both males and females and He renders barren whomever He wills. Verily, He is the all-Knower and is Able to do all things.”[Quran, 42:49-50]

Dear brothers and sisters! Coping with infertility can be very difficult. Its a painful, trying and waiting process every month hoping to get the positive news. The waiting game seems like it will never end. It is emotionally and physically draining. It makes you feel that you are not much of a man or a woman because you can’t conceive at the time you want. It makes you jealous of others when you see them with many kids, while you have none.

You may hear some people say, it is not fair. Some people have many kids without much effort and very fast, while others have to struggle for a long time to have one, if that at all. It is not fair that we have to struggle so much for things we want the most. But we should not give up. We shouldn’t question Allah’s master plan, for His ways are always better than our ways. Keep trying, for indeed miracles do happen every day. You are a miracle yourself.

Please don’t let infertility take your happiness away and make you a bitter person. There is a season for everything, and yours hasn’t started yet. You are in the preparation season. Have patience. Nobody said it is easy to have a baby. In fact, most couples are not successful the first time. A few get lucky, but those are the exceptions. The probability of conception is 20-25 per cent per month for women in their 20s. As a woman gets older, the chances to get pregnant decrease. For women between ages 30-35, the conception chance is about 10-15 percent per menstrual cycle. This means, it may take up to 7 months or one yearof trying to get pregnant. No matter how long it takes, the will of Allah will happen at His appointed time and with His plan. Don’t give up and don’t be frustrated. The wait is a great thing and it will cause you to grow spiritually and emotionally in ways you couldn’t otherwise.

Let me share a story about a co-worker who has been trying to have kids for a long time with no success till date. He is a successful manager at a well known company. We worked together on different teams. I met him one day on one of my lunch breaks. We started talking about general business stuff. We had a long nice chat, which eventually lead to us talking about personal things. After asking each other many questions, of course, I asked the common question: How long have you been married? He answered that its been about seven years. I then asked: Do you have any kid? With much disappointment, the man said: I have been married for over seven years but no kids. I have been trying but no luck yet. I immediately tried to comfort him as I usually do and said: Keep trying and it will happen in time. He told me one thing that resonated with me the most: ‘It is not fair. I have a brother who is not a responsible person. He has nothing going for him, yet he has a son. I’m more of a father to his son than he is. Why do responsible people that are father-quality and successful have so hard time fathering or mothering a child when an irresponsible person can have one at ease?’ I didn’t have much of an answer but I told him that in time he would have his own kids. He should keep trying.

If you have been trying to have kids without success, don’t give up and don’t lose hope. We control nothing in this world and everything has been given to us to live a perfectly suitable life. Just accept the fact that Allah gives us everything we need at the time we need them.

Know that infertility is more common than we realise. For example, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about ten per cent of women in the United States have difficulty getting pregnant or staying pregnant. Of those who have difficulty getting pregnant, one-third of the problems are the result of women; another one-third, from men; and the last one-third, a result of combined or unknown reasons from both couples. It doesn’t really matter whose fault it is, as long as you love each other. There is life without kids. No entity guarantees you life after you have a baby. No doctor can save you when your time is up. Just because you can have a baby doesn’t guarantee that you will live through to see them grow up and do something positive. So live today and let tomorrow unravel.

Don’t make having kids a prerequisite to happiness. There is happiness without children. You may want Kids but you should not lose sight of the real life you have in front of you. You should not forget about your loved ones who are currently alive. Put things in perspective and accept that nothing is in our control. We are given everything we need. If Allah has destined kids for us, then it will happen at His time, and if not, nothing can change that.

There are children all over the world who need true quality parents, and you could be that parent. Blood does not mean we own a child. All children are Allah’s servants. We are merely a process of giving them birth. Children are merely a gift Allah gives to a couple to enjoy playing with them and help them grow to fulfill their purpose. But in the end, that soul will return to Allah because it is to Him which all things belong.

Have hope and trust, and know that the Almighty has things always in control. He determines your future, not the difficulties you face. The difficulties themselves cannot change your future or fate, they are meant to change you from within. Only Allah can change your future. Your task therefore is to pray to Allah in a manner that glorifies Him and to keep trying to have children.

Enjoy the process of trying. Enjoy the love making. Enjoy the time with your wife. Don’t focus all your energy on having kids. They will come when Allah wills it, if He has willed it for you. Realise that nothing happens without Allah’s decree. Everything happens by His will and at His time. If you focus all your energy on the destination rather than the process, you have wasted the most important thing that you cannot get back. You have wasted time that should have been used to cherish with your loved ones, not to cry over your difficulties attaining your wishes. Don’t try to live in the future. Don’t chase it. Let it come to you. Live the present and the future will surely meet you.

We have to realise that the creator is in charge at all times. He determines the gender of the baby. He determines their intelligence. He determines their life span. He determines their whole future. What we have to do is determine which path to chose. Do we focus on our strength or do we rely on Allah’s ability? Free yourself from worry. Accept it that most things are out of our control. There is no point in trying to control the uncontrollable. That is your first step to attaining peace and happiness.

Don’t become a sad person. Don’t let this difficulty change your attitude in life. Remain thankful and positive. For all you know, the Almighty could be testing your patience. He may be leading you in a inconvenient path to teach you difficult things that otherwise you wouldn’t learn. There is a time for everything. And a time for everyone to find that one thing which is right. If you find that time is now, then it will manifest itself as a drawing force by which you cannot stop wandering. However, it may not be today! It may be years down the line. And, if you trust Allah that it should manifest to the fullest, then I guarantee you, it will more than manifest itself. Because it will not only effect you, but it will move others to find something greater just by the seed within you.

Let me share a story that I found online while researching on the world wide web. A Man had proclaimed he was going to have 100 children. Allah gave him only one disabled child. You may ask why did Allah do such a thing? To make it worst, after three years the boy died. The man’s words in detail were:

“I am going to be the richest man in the world, I am going to have 100 children and make love to all my wives tonight and Allah will give me 100 children and I will be King.”

This is a great story we should learn from even though I don’t know if it is true. The moral of the story focuses in finding out why did the man want children. Was it for a greater cause than serving him, praising him, and helping him achieve his status? We can learn from this story that greed was this man’s motive. He was extremely greedy. Why couldn’t he be happy with one child? So what if the child was mentally challenged, he is still his child. Sounds like he wanted 100 children so that they could earn him money, and make him rich. Incredibly greedy.

Take some time to look within yourself. Ask the real questions. Why do you want kids? Is it to make them better than you, so they can help others when they grow up? Is it to fill the void of loneliness that you anticipate in this short life. Or do you want children so you appear successful in the eye of others. Whatever your answer is, hopefully it is not to serve you but instead, to give your reasons to make you a better person.

May Allah give you strength to keep trying, and may He bless you with righteous children that will change the world we live in for the better. Ameen!

The perfect knowledge belongs to Allah the Almighty. Our last prayer is all praise is due to Allah, the Lord of the Worlds. Peace and blessing be upon our Prophet, his Family, his Companions and his Brothers till the Day of Resurrection.

We ask Allah the Most High to strengthen us in this Ramadan, accept our fasts, and reward us with His forgiveness and the highest place in Paradise. Ameen.

Imam Murtadha Muhammad Gusau, from Okene, Kogi State, Nigeria. He can be reached via: gusaumurtada@gmail.com or +2348038289761.